December Update (4 months)
It can be a challenge finding the right words to say. I am pushing through my perfectionism and anxiety and willing myself to just start to write. What does it matter anyway so long as it’s raw, pure, and real? Life is messy and beautiful. Screw a good transition sentence or opening statement. I just want to talk to ya’ll!
My bonus son is spending some time with our family for the holidays. They asked to watch a movie and were presented with a multitude of cheery wholesome holiday options. Their choice? The horror movie titled It. The clown that lingered in many of my childhood nightmares is scaring them into fits of laughter while I sit here typing with my back turned. My heart still can’t take it.
Should I let my boys ages 5-12 watch such a movie? Probably not. Yet the joyous boyhood that is presently on my couch affirms my choice to throw caution to the wind. Will one or more of them crawl into my bed tonight? Probably. I will greet them with warmth and love. There are only so many years of childhood and “mommy” has already turned into “Ma” so I will indulge in it while I can
Four months ago today I almost lost my first born son. Everyday that he wakes up I am grateful. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a balancing act; holding him accountable for his words and actions and just holding him. Allowing him space to just be and feel. In the semi-normality of the day to day his disease continues to jostle all of us into the very reality he is faced with challenging every day. Recent sessions of dialysis have been especially challenging. There’s this thing about dry weight, volume overload, and normal/ good weight gain that needs to be adjusted over time to determine how much fluid is to be removed during dialysis. The symptoms and side effects of dialysis are scary for him and for his dialysis companions. Witnessing fragility and participating in critical life preserving dialysis treatments is a humbling experience.
It is for this reason that we see and value life with fervor. Friendship and community take on a new, deeper meaning.
We thank you all for accompanying us on our journey to stabilizing his health and keeping him and our family positive.
A special shout out and thanks to my sisters of Lambda Theta Alpha Latin Sorority, Incorporated and our Brothers of Lambda Theta Phi Latin Fraternity, Incorporated for putting together a special basket and donation to our family. Bellies have been filled with goodies and games have helped to free our minds. Forever grateful.
Peace and Love, Crystal